Refuge
by afterfourteenyears
Summary: [GinSachi] In the midst of The Great Battle of Edo, Gintoki Sakata is mortally wounded. Desperate, Kagura and Shinpachi take him into hiding under the care of Ayame Sarutobi - one who vanished years ago. She nurses him back to health insisting on her anonymity. When Gintoki wakes and discovers her presence, Sacchan has to choose whether to fight or to flee.
1. WAKE

_**Author's note:** I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review! A new story which I've been dreaming of for years. Angst and pain... so much pain..._

 **Chapter 1: WAKE**

If the sun is shining, then everything must be all right. If the wind blows a cool breeze, then the world must be in a better state. If the birds in the trees are chirping, then life must be worth living. If one can watch the sky with his best friends sprawled next to him, then the universe must be within a balance.

Despite those conditions, his world was crumbling.

He was terrified. At this point, there was nothing he could to to save himself... or even his friends. None of them have moved for a while. He hoped that they were taking their time, waiting for the coast to clear, before they reemerge from their slumber.

He shifted his eyes to the right. Kagura had her eyes closed but he could detect a slight rise and fall of her chest. She was alive, thank the heavens. Her left eye peeked at him and narrowed as if pleading that he would not give them away. He turned his attention to his left side where their silver-haired hero lay on his stomach, unmoving. Blood continued to pool beneath him, a result of the deep slash through the stomach by an Utsuro clone.

It wasn't even Utsuro himself. That would piss off Gin, without a doubt, that he would be gravely wounded by a disposable copy of his greatest enemy. An important man from his past did not even bother to take him down with his own hands.

There was no option to die here. Not now, because the end was supposed to be them saving Edo from this disaster. Nothing is over until the evil has been stopped.

It cannot be done without Gin-san. He must be alive. I can save him. I can save everyone - sis, Kagura, grandma Otose, everyone...

Near his foot was his sword. Shinpachi knew he dropped it there before falling to the ground himself. He only needed to move swiftly - to get up and grab the weapon - then eliminate all opponents within proximity. Then he and Kagura can take Gin and escape to safety for the time being.

Controlled by enough courage, moments and a few heartbeats later, he did just that. He yelled Kagura's name and just like she read his mind, they both went for the defense until no more of the enemy's soldiers were left. They were bathed in sweat, blood and sunshine. His face was wet with red and tears he was unable to hold back. Was there still any hope for them in this bloodbath country?

He could barely move as he watched Kagura wailing and turning over their friend's limp form on the grass. Blood flowed out of Gin's mouth and his shallow breaths were not encouraging. His eyes were unfocused, half-open and surrounded by large dark-bruises. They called his name but he would not see them, nor react to their cries.

Now, footsteps and battle cries were fast approaching. If they did not flee now, they would end up as corpses, mere casualties of this unnecessary war.

Kagura, with her strength, lifted Gin and they both escaped into the deeper end of the forest. Shinpachi ran with all his might, like his lungs would evaporate after this burst of panic. He pushed forward, blindly, with a prayer, that they would find refuge.

Give us something. Anything! Gin has to live! We all must survive this. Please. He had never said any prayer as desperate or as mighty as this.

His step slid on the terrain and he tumbled sideways, rolling far from the other two. He almost yelled for them but his instincts caught him. The enemies might find them if he screamed. But Kagura was smart and quick to come after him, dragging Gin along. All three of them landed on a stream with a powerful current.

It took them miles from their fall and they let it. There was no way they could counter the force. Gin was still unconscious and they took turns supporting his body. He was still breathing, at least. They only had to get him some treatment soon. The question was... Where?

"Shinpachi, look!" Kagura whispered harshly, pointing at a settlement partially hidden behind some trees. The miles they traveled had multiplied that he could no longer determine how far they were carried. It seemed like they had gone deeper into a mountainside. The stream had tamed its flow and they were able to grab onto a stable log to hoist themselves - and Gin - to land.

He felt so much at once, fatigue and hunger and exhaustion... and sorrow.

"Kagura... wait!" He failed to stop her before she went behind the trees and into the house behind it. He waited with baited breath for whoever would emerge from there. This was their last chance. This was Gin's only hope for now.

The door swung open and Kagura gasped, her face pale and eyes wide. Shinpachi did not see immediately but when the person from the house emerged, he knew that he had exhibited the same exact expression on his face.

It was Sacchan.

They all thought she had died years prior, at the beginning of the war. It wasn't only her. Five years ago, Katsura Kotarou was killed. Three years ago, Sacchan was assumed dead. Apparently, she wasn't.

"Kagura? Shinpachi?" She appeared equally surprised. "How did you find this place?"

"We just chanced upon it while trying to find a safe place." He told her quickly. "Sacchan, help us, it's Gin-san..." He took Gin to her doorstep. "He's dying."

She did not speak but her face crumpled as she looked at the man in front of her. She stepped forward to reach for Gin but like a burnt touch, she immediately pulled back her hand.

"We have to stop his wound from bleeding and we have to clean it." Shinpachi was practically begging on his knees. "Can we take him inside and help him, please."

Sacchan blinked rapidly and nodded.

They rushed inside and laid Gin on the floor while Sacchan took some of her clothing from a pile and started to heat some water under a small fire. She was shaking as she moved about, casting several worried glances at them every now and then. Kagura kept pressure on Gin's stomach wound. When the items were ready, they ripped off Gin's clothes and started to clean him. Sacchan kept her distance and it took Shinpachi one glance at her to notice that she was still in shock. He let her be for now. What was important was Gin's life.

They tore the clean clothes and bandaged his wound with them. It was deep but relatively uninfected for now. Gin had survived worse things. He hoped this would be one of them.

Exhausted, he lay back on the floor and thanked the heavens that they had found solace, even if temporary. Things must turn out well from now on. There is nothing left for us. He did not notice when he fell asleep until Sacchan had woken him, which seemed like hours - or a day - later.

"Eat," she urged him. She handed him a bowl of soup mixed with herbs. There were also very small and thin slices of boiled meat on a plate. Everything was bland but in this situation, there was no point being picky.

Kagura was also munching on meat strips at the other end of the room. She also appeared to be recently roused from a deep sleep. Her eyes were puffy and red. She was silent.

Gin was still motionless beside him. Breathing, at least, but unconscious still. His face was pale and the make-do bandages had soaked. Shinpachi looked up to see Sacchan handing him more strips of cloth. She had cut up more of her clothes for the wound. After he took them, she moved away like she did not want to see Gin or his wounds. She had busied herself with the pot of boiling water.

Both he and Kagura cleaned added more pressure around Gin's wound with the hot water and dressings that Sacchan prepared. Afterwards, they went back to sleep.

Time passed as quick or slow as they could only guess. Gin remained asleep but at least his intake of breaths were more even now. The dressings soaked less but still had to be changed after a few hours. Sacchan would wash the bloodied strips in the stream and then dip them in boiling water after to cleanse. She, however, would not come near Gin's sleeping form.

Shinpachi was sure that both him and Kagura had a million questions for her. They were waiting for the right moment to get her to talk.

Gin dreamt once, alerting all of them to his jerks. He murmured things from his past including a name, Zura. It made Sacchan pale and she ran outside to vomit behind the trees. She did not return until the next day.

Shinpachi hated the hunger that he felt. There was nothing to eat but plants and meat from small animals. There wasn't even much. He wondered how Sacchan had survived here for so long. Had she been here all this time? What did she do here? It was a place in the middle of nowhere. He wondered if there were wild animals in the surroundings. Did she even have contact with other people anymore? Her house contained practically nothing but the basics. How could she procure items for her daily use? What about clothing? She had cut up so much of them for dressing Gin's wounds that it made him wonder if she had any left.

She also seemed averse with Gin, even with him unconscious. Their parting prior to her "death" remained a bad memory for everyone. Everybody knew that Gin had not forgiven her for that incident where she practically led Katsura to his death, due to her selfishness. She was desperate for Gin's attention and her careless actions resulted to Zura as collateral damage. The aftermath, as expected, wasn't pretty and two years after, Sacchan supposedly went on a "suicide mission". When she failed to return, people assumed she was dead.

Gintoki simply muttered a good riddance and never spoke of her or Katsura again.

The war had taken most of their thoughts and days anyway. There was no more time to mourn any old friends or worry about the far future. There was only todays in this world. Shinpachi himself did not even know where his only family was. Tae Shimura, his sister, whom he had not seen in almost a year. Somehow, he knew that she was alive. Sis was always a survivor, even more than he was. It was impossible for her to die before him. Last he heard, she was safe with the Shinsengumi - Hijikata and Kondo were there to protect her too. He always resolved to live just to see her again. They would be happy and free at the end of this war. They can make it. They must.

One morning, he chanced upon Sacchan kneeling on the floor beside Gin, while she watched him intently. She stood and stepped away guiltily when she noticed him arrive. "You missed him, didn't you, Sacchan?"

She did not answer but he could tell by the trembling of her shoulders that she cried.

Kagura tried to encourage her sometimes. "Sacchan, it's all in the past. We are fighting a war. Gin knows which side you're on. He won't continue to hate you just because..."

"I want to help him recover." Sacchan implored, "but once he wakes up, he cannot know that I had a hand in this. Tell him no one lives here and that only you two treated him. I cannot be here when he wakes. He'll never forgive me in this lifetime. I've accepted that."

None of them spoke after that. They all just wanted Gin to get better.

Aside from their dear samurai's condition, what worried Shinpachi was their meals. He was sure that Kagura was unsatisfied too because of the consistent growls of her stomach after the tasteless soup and meat are served.

"I wonder if I should go hunting." He accidentally said it out loud.

"Yes, yes, for meat and better food." Kagura nodded enthusiastically.

Sacchan frowned. "You find those things quite far from here."

"I won't get lost," he insisted. "And you said that the enemies never reach this place or the miles surrounding us. I can do it."

"We need a better cuisine if we want to survive," Kagura piped up. "For sure Gin-chan would be really hungry once he wakes up. We can't just serve him water soup with swimming herbs and meat that tastes like paper. No offense, Sacchan."

The purple-haired woman was frowning but she ended up agreeing with them.

"I'll go with Shinpachi so we can get more. You can stay and watch Gin-chan for us, won't you, Sacchan?"

"W-What? I'll go and you stay. What if he wakes up and I'm the only person here?"

"Don't worry, Gin-chan's not gonna hurt you, if that's what you're worried about."

"Maybe it's not a good idea..." Sacchan bit her lip. "His wound's improving... he'll wake soon. I shouldn't be here when that happens."

Shinpachi cut in. "Okay, Kagura, let's just take turns. We promised Sacchan in exchange for her helping Gin." He agreed with Kagura but this was Sacchan's turf and it would be rude if they imposed their demands on her. "Do you really think he'll come back soon?"

She nodded. "He's healing and not bleeding that much."

"Gin-chan deserves a great meal when he wakes." Kagura kept pushing her luck.

Sacchan sighed, "just make it quick, you two. If he wakes, I'm getting my ass out of here."

They both smiled, excited and promising.

Gin would not wake until the fourth day after.

 _ **Author's end note:** Wow. I was really inspired to write this fic. The events are fast forwarding through my brain so I had to drop everything and write it. Or else everything might disappear. Haha. More soon._


	2. DREAM

_**Author's note:** I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review! I hope this chapter turns out well. Something doesn't seem right. o_0_

 **Chapter 2: DREAM**

Such a disappointment. Death evaded him once again. He could tell by the intensity of the aches all over his body. Each breath he took tugged at the wound below his chest. These proved that he survived. He couldn't tell if he was happy about that. It depended on what he would find once he got himself moving.

His stomach growled with hunger and a wave of dizziness hit him hard. This was familiar to him. Several times in the past, he had been at the curtains of death, and he had lost count on how many times he was pulled back into the living dimension.

Had the afterlife found him unfit to leave this world yet? They seem to be fond of rejecting him. He only hoped that they spit him back in a better state the next time.

Grunting, Gin heaved himself to a sitting position. His surroundings were continuously spinning but he focused on holding back the nausea. There was nothing to vomit anyway. How long, he wondered, had he been indisposed? Probably not more than a week, he concluded when he saw that his bandages were still soaking. He was weak, but this was a temporary setback. The war was still waiting.

His surroundings weren't recognizable. It made him ponder on who was with him. The place was dark and quiet. A beam of light shone in through a crack in the wall. It was morning.

Gin's stomach signaled his hunger again but there was no food in sight. Could it be that whoever helped him had left and wasn't ever coming back? That would pose as a problem but he could get by. There was that incident before...

It took a while but his sight had cleared. Slowly, he moved his joints and stretched his limbs. He wasn't in the most depressing state. Had Utsuro really meant to kill him or just disable him?

A tremendous amount of effort was needed for him to reach the door. He limped to it and slumped against the wood before he recovered enough to swing it open and step outside. Another obstacle met him in the form of sunlight temporarily blinding his eyes. He had spent too much time in darkness, it was impossible to see right now. Shielding his face and narrowing his eyes, he pushed forward, searching for a hint of anything while he dealt with his momentary walking and seeing disabilities.

The scene was simple. Gin found himself surrounded by trees and a few meters ahead, there was a stream. Water.

He only then realized his thirst and lunged forward to take a sip. The water gave him enough refreshment and his eyes seemed to have adjusted to the brightness of the morning. He took a scoop of water and rubbed it on his face. It was fantastic. He repeated the motion to rub at his neck and arms. He avoided his injured trunk.

To his far right, there was a splashing sound that made him look and abruptly get up. Another sensation of dizziness shot through him but he held his place. Someone was bathing and washing some clothing in the stream. They were quite a distance from him which made it difficult for him to make out who it was. He was cautious enough not to call out to that person yet.

Gin squinted and leaned forward as he approached but nothing about her, it was a woman, seemed familiar to him. Despite this, he couldn't shake off the warning from his gut. Her hair was bundled in a towel, making it more difficult to determine her identity.

He trudged towards her, careful not to make a noise, but he was limited by his weakened state. Nevertheless, he was almost close enough to see her face.

She waded out of the stream and pulled off the towel on her head. Violaceous waves tumbled out and Gin felt a shudder run through his body. He was dead and this was limbo. The pain and weakness of his body was a distraction from what actually happened to him. Death had finally claimed him. The proof was right in front of his eyes. An apparition of his fellow departed.

A choked sound escaped his throat with the realization and that was when she saw him too. Her eyes widened, her face turned a shade paler, but without hesitation, she dashed away in the opposite direction.

He blinked. A ghost was scared of another ghost? Why was she the first presence that he discovered? What kind of in-between place was this? It couldn't be heaven nor hell.

There was no other way to find out. He had to follow her and possibly ask her. Hopefully there was a way to communicate. But as he bustled in her direction, a final wave of dizziness claimed him and he collapsed on the spot, losing his consciousness.

He opened his eyes later and found Kagura and Shinpachi peering at him. They all had died then. What a tragic end for the Yorozuya. They could not even end the war. He sat up. There it was again, that faintness trying to overcome him.

"GIN!" They both screamed. "We've been waiting for you to wake up. Let's eat!" They pushed several bowls and plates in front of him. He did not bother to check what they were before gobbling up some food. His hunger was overwhelming.

"Water," he croaked after several bites and was handed a glass by Shinpachi. They ate in silence for a while before he spoke again. "Are we… dead?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Gin-san, but we survived." Shinpachi gave him a tight smile. His glasses had cracks in them and he had grown a beard.

Kagura pointed to a pile of cloth behind her. "We should really change your bandages. You're soaked with blood."

"Where are we?"

The other two glanced at each other before they looked back at him. "In the middle of nowhere," Shinpachi said. "What were you doing outside, Gin?"

"I… I remember looking for food. Where were you guys?"

"We were getting us some food." He paused. "Gin-san, did you see anything when you were outside? You were lying on the ground when we found you."

He tried to recall the events. "So it wasn't a dream?" But he was alive. "Am I really not dead yet? I think I saw a ghost."

There it was again, a glance between the two. "A ghost? What do you mean?" Kagura felt his forehead with the back of her palm. "It might have been delirium from a fever."

Gin shook his head, unsure. "I don't know… Of all people, I would hallucinate of…"

"Um, who did you see, Gin?" Shinpachi seemed paler. Kagura too.

"Someone long dead… That stalk-, I mean, Sacchan."

"Are you sure?"

"No… it was odd." He was certainly losing his mind. "She seemed real and she ran away once she saw me… but it's impossible, right?" His brain was rejecting the memory of the supposed encounter. "Why would she be haunting me anyway?"

"You're right. It's absurd." Kagura gave a forced laugh. "Well, let's get you cleaned up."

Gin lay on his back while they changed his bandages, then turned to his side when they had to wrap it around him.

"It's so much better," Kagura exclaimed. "Let's give it a few days."

"Then I can go back and kill Utsuro."

"Gin!" They both yelled in protest.

He was getting impatient. He had to get back and fight the war. But they were right, they needed a solid plan and more help.

"A few weeks or months won't hurt," Shinpachi pondered.

"That's too long a wait. Who knows what he's done by that time?" Gin grit his teeth. "And how about the others? They could be needing our help."

He sighed with frustration, and stared at the ceiling, trying to make something concrete out of the situation. "Why is there a place like this in the middle of nowhere?" He wondered out loud.

No one answered.

He looked back at the two, but they were busy fixing the plates and the bloodied clothes. Ignoring them in turn, he looked around. It was practically empty inside and quite dark. A pile of clothes on one corner caught his eye and there was something peeking out from under them. He stood up and took the item. Red-framed glasses. They reminded him of something he couldn't think of right now.

"That's mine!" Shinpachi snatched the pair which he pocketed. He grabbed the clothes and laid them at the other far end.

"Looks a bit girly for you," Gin grabbed the frames from Shinpachi's pocket and peered into the lenses. "I didn't know that your eyes were that bad."

"Well, it comes with age, Gin." Shinpachi took it back and slipped it into his larger pocket.

Gin crossed his arms and looked from Shinpachi to Kagura. "There's something fishy going on. You guys think that I can't tell that you're hiding something from me? My brain ain't that damaged."

"We're just worried that you haven't recovered enough yet." Kagura patted him on the back.

"Yeah, Gin, get some more rest. It's a miracle that we survived. We shouldn't waste this second chance."

Second chance? More like umpteenth chance. He had survived so many death encounters already. This was a piece of cake.

So… He was alive. And hallucinating.

Unless…

"Those glasses, are you sure that they belong to you, Shinpachi?"

"Of course, Gin-san. Kagura doesn't need them."

"Right. And who lives here? In this place where we are right now? Who owns those clothes you took away? The colors aren't really your style, Shinpachi." He grabbed the other by his throat. "If I find out that you're keeping something from me…"

"IT'S SACCHAN'S!" Kagura screamed. "Don't start a fight! Let of of Shinpachi, Gin!"

"Sacchan?" He blinked and let go of Shinpachi. "She's dead."

"No… We thought she was. But… she was here… and she helped us take care of you."

"Kagura!" Shinpachi shook his head at her.

"She's alive?" Gin could feel his brain short-circuiting. "How in heaven's name…?"

"We haven't exactly asked her. We don't know either."

"Then where is she?" He looked around. "Is she outside?" He stepped to the door. They held him back. "So she did run away. It was her at the stream." He was numb with shock.

Both of them nodded and then glanced at each other again. "We're not sure where she is. She hasn't come back since you probably saw her…"

"Why?" His head was really starting to hurt. Spurts of grogginess made his vision spin at intervals.

Kagura bit her lip. "She might be scared…"

"Scared? Of who?" He staggered and was soon on his knees. His body was failing him again. Shinpachi took hold of his arm and pushed him down on his sleeping spot.

"You're collapsing, Gin. Get some rest before you hurt yourself."

"Wait." He blinked away the faintness. "Scared of what?"

"Just go to sleep. You're straining yourself."

"Find her," he managed to say before letting go. There was darkness again.

 _ **Author's end note:** Thank you for reading and reviewing. I am amazed that I still have readers. Is Gintama still popular? I also wonder about GinSachi. I don't have much people to talk about it with haha. Drop by my Tumblr sometime or PM me. To **mehr03** \- not sure if it's gonna be what you're expecting, **Marquise de Nile** \- you seem to be reading my mind. Hehe. This will be a multi-POV fic. **Jaja** \- five times? Thank you so much for appreciating my fics. **Freya** \- I wish more people would write (or make doujinshi of) GinSachi._


	3. SLUMBER

_**Author's note:** I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review! WHY THE HELL AM I UNABLE TO FIND GINTAMA LIVE ACTION 2 ANYWHERE? HAS ANYONE SEEN IT? /end Hijikata mode. Anyway… Let's hear from our best gal, Sacchan._

 **Chapter 3: SLUMBER**

The ground was damp and like ice on her bare back.

This is her solace. This is her shelter.

Whether it was morning or that almost-minute before dusk blended into dawn, she couldn't tell from inside the cave. It wasn't important because she had to remain hidden. The world did not want her to continue that wretched life she was living.

Was she even living for anything at all? Did she even exist if she was all alone?

Everyone thought her dead anyway.

Until, of course, the last group of individuals she ever expected had come knocking at her door. Her secret had unfolded quicker than it had started. Kagura and Shinpachi knew but Gin, she hoped that he would relinquish everything he had seen and simply believe that it was just a bad dream.

Sacchan was certainly surprised to have seen him up and about. His recovery was slower than it had been before and she thought it safe to wash in the area while the other two were away. That river brought her a lot of misfortune in the recent days.

Turning on her side, she blinked away the memory of Gin's presence at the stream, just a few feet from her. She knew that she had slipped away fast enough for him to question whatever he had seen. She was after all, dead to him and it would be practically impossible for her to be there. There was a small chance that he would have identified her though.

Kagura and Shinpachi would keep her secret, she was almost certain.

It would be a disaster if Gin found out that she was actually there. She did not plan to have that happen… ever. They will not meet in this existence of hers. That was final.

The tightness in her chest increased, making her sit up for relief. But the pressure only worsened. She missed him terribly. In all those days, she still thought of him despite her knowledge that she will never see him again.

Reality had been reset when he was at her door, barely alive. Still, in those moments of desperation, she could not touch him or be near him. Was she terrified?

Yes. Of his words, of his actions, of his hatred. Simply, the way he would look at her.

She did not want to remember Katsura at all.

Sacchan shivered as the memory invaded her thoughts, pushing through the barrier she had tried so hard to construct.

Before the war commenced, Shouyou Yoshida made an appearance to his former students. However, he was a different man who had mutated and possessed a different personality. The revelation had almost destroyed both Gin and Katsura, their friendship tested by the groundbreaking discovery of their teacher's true form. Gin believed that they had a chance to turn Shouyou back but Katsura, on the other hand, was determined to kill their master. Loyalty had come between them.

To aid Gin's cause, Sacchan defected from the shinobi and sought out Shouyou and the Tendoushuu. She would fight for Gin and claim his love. To bring back someone important to him, it was something she had resolved to accomplish. Katsura knew her intentions and he had given her enough warning. "Stay out of it, Sacchan."

She was stubborn, thus, things made a turn for the worst. She awakened in the arms of Utsuro with his unrelenting smile directed at her. She had been powerless to stop his possession of her. She could only cry out as he invaded her repeatedly and clamped his mouth on her chapped nipples.

"You are a foolish little kunoichi," were his words to her as he released his seed inside her. "You will bear me a child or two, that is your purpose here." His lips opened hers to receive his tongue.

Her screams of resistance were futile as he looked down at her and remained inside her body. "That will be the last time you cry 'no'." His eyes were cold and empty. "Beg and I may spare your life after you have delivered my children into this world."

Sacchan could only gasp when he started to probe her again, this time in a slow, mesmerizing manner which made her head spin. He moved wordlessly, setting fire to every part of her, until she lost it when he violently sucked on her breasts. Her body had surrendered.

It continued for countless days until Katsura had come to her rescue. He had that fire in his eyes, burning to kill his sensei. Unfortunately, fate was cruel and the last stab of Utsuro's sword to Katsura's belly was fatal. He had no last words.

Sacchan slipped away but she often wondered if Utsuro had let her because he found her to be useless. She was safe when she finally set foot on Iga, where she had spent her earlier training days as a ninja. She told no one of her ordeal but Zenzou might have suspected after she had drank the most potent gin and she was reduced to bleeding out on the floor of her quarters.

Sick for weeks, she remained in isolation, but nothing could be compared to the relief she felt in preventing the unwanted circumstances.

"What is going on with you, Sarutobi?" Zenzou's frustration increased by the day. He stared at her like she was a filthy scrounger. "The Yorozuya are here."

There was no way she could conceal her almost emaciated state. She was not even able to take long walks in the sun. Zenzou merely asked her to see them and demanded that she leave the estate after. He had nothing to offer her if she would continue to keep secrets.

"ENOUGH." Sacchan gave a firm cry which echoed in the cave. The memories turned even more bitter each time they played in her head. She gave her cheek a good, hard slap to physically push away the memory of whatever happened next. Of how Gin had confronted her and how he reacted to the news of Katsura's demise.

She was already nothing to him.

Curling her body and hugging her knees to her chest, she started to sob. What a mess she was again. She thought that she had already exhausted her tears yet they kept flowing. Her stomach lurched but only nausea preyed upon her. There was nothing to throw up.

She lay there for hours, uneasy and not without longing. Against her resolve, she found herself wondering about Gin. It was selfish to yearn to meet him again. She hated that part of her… That fraction of her heart coveting his presence. Things will never return to what they were. He will never consider her, even as a friend, in this lifetime.

If only she could fade into a deep oblivion and never come back. May it be a painless and dull liberation.

But the buzzing in her head kept her roused.

She could still check on them while concealed. The area was unknown to them but to her, it had become her home.

Before she could change her mind, Sacchan was already headed back to see the others.

She probably lost her touch from her lack of human interaction. Shinpachi and Kagura had seen her near the mountain when she reached the less concentrated part of the forest. They had probably studied the area when they were searching for food.

"Sacchan, we've been looking for you." Kagura gave her a hug. She did not miss the worried expression on her face. "Are you okay?"

"Gin, is he here?" She glanced around, trembling. Maybe it was wrong to come back.

Kagura stepped away and shared a glance with Shinpachi. "He's at the house, but he fainted again."

"Did he-," she let out a relieved sigh, "Did he remember seeing me?"

"Yes, he knows, Sacchan." Shinpachi spoke gravely. "You don't have to worry. Gin is looking for you."

"Is he furious?"

"No. He's still confused though. He needs more time to recover."

Kagura started to pull her towards her home. "Gin's not right in the head yet. But he's still got a good stomach. He practically ate all the food we prepared then just went back to sleep."

"I shouldn't see him until he is better, I suppose."

"It's gonna be okay, Sacchan." Kagura patted her on the head. "He won't hurt you like last time. He was just in shock then."

"Kagura!" Shinpachi's voice was very, very sharp.

Sacchan stared at them as an awkward silence blanketed their conversation. Everyone seemed to recall that meeting in Iga after Katsura's death. It was rushing back again, that unwanted and distressing encounter.

"Sacchan, Kagura didn't mean to say that." He looked into her eyes, pleading. "Gin's gonna be okay. He needs our help. Come back to the house. We should all stick together during this war."

"I shouldn't… What should I do, Shinpachi, Kagura?"

"Just come back with us." Kagura nodded. "Gin's still resting. He will want to hear from you when he wakes up."

"It might be stressful for him if he gets angry. Maybe I should wait until much later."

Shinpachi shook his head vigorously. "There's no point guessing. You'll see him sooner or later. You can't keep running away. It's not safe to be alone elsewhere either."

"I've been alone here for a long, long time."

"Well, we're here now. So I think we should protect each other."

"Yes, Sacchan. Shinpachi's right. Let's protect each other and watch over Gin."

She let them convince her. Part of her really wanted to see him again.

At the small house, she dug up all of her courage and knelt by Gin's left shoulder. He was sound asleep, taking even breaths, and his bandages had not soaked anymore. She took the cloth beside him and wiped at his forehead, removing the sweat and the slight fever. She dared to touch his hair but she jumped back when he stirred. Her heart was on overdrive.

"I can't do this," she told Kagura. Shinpachi had already gone to sleep.

"Everything's going to be fine. This is Gin. Our Gin-chan. He won't leave anyone behind."

Sacchan uneasily doubted that. She wasn't just anyone. Nevertheless, she let her negative thoughts go in the meantime and settled herself on the other corner to sleep. Maybe what Kagura said would come true.

This time, she had no trouble falling into slumber.

The next day was a repose. Gin remained unconscious. Kagura and Shinpachi left again to gather some food but they promised to return immediately when she protested. There was a constant fear at the back of her mind that Gin would wake suddenly while the two were away. Seeing her would certainly not amuse him.

She waved those thoughts away. Surely she wasn't that unlucky.

"Everything will be okay," Sacchan repeated under her breath.

Once again, she knelt by Gin's shoulder and watched him sleep. He had dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks were hollow. The pulse on his neck jumped occasionally. His hair was longer, almost covering his eyes. She reached out and brushed the silver strands from his face before she could prevent herself from doing so. Worried, she carefully moved her hand away, hoping that his sleep was undisturbed by her blunder.

Thankfully, he didn't notice nor did he get up.

She checked his hands on his sides. They didn't twitch.

His bandages, however, had some blood showing again. She silently debated with herself whether or not she should interfere. She ended up deciding to pile a few more layers over the current ones. She would ask Kagura and Shinpachi to help with the cleaning and changing later.

Gathering a few of the strips, she lightly positioned them over Gin's wound. Her hand's soft pressure still made him twinge. Hurriedly, she took the remaining pile and lay them over the soaked area. She was about to stand and get away but Gin's hand grabbed her by the arm, holding her down. She turned back to face him. Her heart was almost beating its way out of her chest.

His eyes were open and intently watching her.

"You…" he spoke. A single word full of foreboding.

 _ **Author's end note:** Love love love your inputs everyone! Many thanks! Been so busy this week, I'm glad I still got to write this chapter. Seriously, I wanna see Sacchan in live action! Where can I watch that darn movie? To **Marquise de Nile** \- maybe Gin hit his head too hard or something, he can't think straight. **mehr05** and **Freya** \- he is probably curious about what's going on. **Update Craver** \- oh LOL I'm really sorry about that, I have difficulty writing 'happy' fics and all. And in the manga Gin is almost always dismissive of Sacchan._


	4. TERRORS

_**Author's note:**_ _I do not own anything from Gintama. Please review! Dark times… ahead. Please vote in the poll (top 3 favorite fics) in my ffnet profile. Thank you to everyone who already voted! I made a twitter (after14years) for writing updates. Hee!_

 **Chapter 4: TERRORS**

Hunger was the greatest enemy. Hunger was the only thing that bothered her day and night in this location. Plants, small animals, bitter fruits… They gave her stomach no satisfaction.

It was an adventure when she, along with Shinpachi, stumbled across a creek that led to a large mountain. In that creek were adequately sized fishes for dinner. It was better than what they had at first. Even so, she craved for the usual carbohydrates and protein at Kabuki-cho. She won't stop dreaming of rice, noodles, eggs, meat and pickled seaweed.

The sunlight was weakening her more and more. Haphazard repairs were done on her umbrella but the strength of the heat in this place was unlike any other. Kagura thought that she needed to save a lot of energy, especially right now, when she was in charge of keeping Gin at bay. He had roused again while she was outside with Shinpachi. They returned by mid-day, excited with their pickings.

The fruits and meat in their hands dropped to the ground as they were welcomed by the sight of a bloodied room.

Gin's eyes were blazing, demon-like, as he loomed over Sacchan's hunched form on the ground. Her hair was in tangles and so was her arm, twisted in an outrageous direction. There was blood on her clothes and on the floor. She shook and sobbed but stayed down.

"GIN!" Kagura screamed, horrified. Shinpachi was still at the door, staring at their leader with his eyes and mouth wide.

Ignoring them, Gin stomped on Sacchan's head and crushed his heel on it until she was twitching in agony.

Kagura dashed forward and sent Gin flying backwards with a blow to his chest. She did not mean to injure him but he was acting like a madman. "Sacchan!" She grabbed the woman on the ground. Her face was a mix of red, purple, and tears. "SHINPACHI!"

That snapped him out of his trance. He ran to them, sending Gin a wary glance. Kagura followed his gaze and sighed with thanks. They were safe for now.

Sacchan, however, was not as lucky.

"I'm sorry, Sacchan!" She started crying too while gazing at the woman's beat-up plump face. "Something's wrong with Gin!"

"Kagura…" she barely moved her lips, "I want to go away… Far away…"

Gin grunted at the other end as he started to rise.

"Shinpachi! Take Sacchan!" She faced Gin and braced herself. "I'll take care of him."

Pale faced and speechless, Shinpachi nodded and escaped with a limping Sacchan.

"Out of my way, Kagura," were Gin's words before she thumped him on the head, enough to make him snooze. He landed on the ground face-first.

Kagura sat and watched him for a long time.

She stared at his unconscious form. The sky was dark and the moon had risen. Enough time had passed for her to decide how to deal with him. Resolute, she stood and kicked him right on the side with the gash.

Suddenly, he howled and his eyes flipped open, wide as his mouth. Clutching his side, he curled into a ball. "WHAT IN THE F-"

She nudged his back with her toes and then stepped away.

He turned to her, teeth bared, face wrinkled in nothing other than pain. "KAGURA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"I wanted to see if you were alive."

"Not only am I alive… I'm suffering, thanks to you!" He tried to sit but recoiled and clutched his stomach.

The only light in the room was from a homemade candle. Gin's shadow was grim on the wall and his eyes were cloaked by the dimness. Kagura wasn't afraid but she was curious. "You'll live," she jeered.

"Are you seriously trying to kill me, you brat?"

"I might, yes," she muttered. How can he ever reason himself out of what happened? She had seen it with her own eyes, the monstrosity of what he had done. It appeared, however, to be the last thing on his mind.

Silence dominated them as he closed his eyes and lay flat. To an outsider, he was back in dreamland, but Kagura knew that he was waiting. She watched him with as much mindfulness as she could, reminding herself that a mangled arm and a broken face weren't on her own wishlist.

With his eyes shut, Gin spoke to her, his voice low. "You're anxious. Where's Shinpachi? Did something happen to him? Tell me now so that I can cry and avenge him."

"Shinpachi's fine, yes."

"Then why are you acting like you haven't been paid for a year?"

"You didn't give us any money since last year."

"I did. You probably just spent it on rice and pickled seaweed."

"Nuh-uh."

"Blast it. Who cares anyway? What good is money where we are right now?" Gin sat up, his head in his hands. "You're acting odd, Kagura. I just know it."

Kagura sucked in a lot of air, taking her time. "Do you not remember, Gin? The last time you were awake? Yes?"

His eyes narrowed. "Let me see…" His fingers scratched his head. "Are we playing a memory game right now? I'm not really in the mood."

"Gin! Tell me what you remember!" She did not find laughs nor indifference appropriate at this time. She wanted to strike at him over and over until he spoke a worthy explanation. The Gin she knew would have never… "Tell me, you bastard!"

She was aware of his bewildered look. Everything was absurd. But not as senseless as what she had seen him do.

"I don't…" Gin rubbed his chin. "We were eating… We were talking… I only remember some of it…"

"What else? What else?" She demanded.

He shook his head. "Something about Sacchan…"

"WHAT ABOUT HER?"

"She's alive… I saw her at the stream."

"AND THEN WHAT ELSE?" Kagura couldn't help it anymore. She punched his shoulder and pulled at his hair. He was being so difficult.

"What else? What you mean, what else?" Gin calmly pushed her hands away and held them in front of her. He was peering at her face, frowning. "Are you okay, Kagura? Are you hungry?"

"NO!" She thrashed away from him, wanting to explode into a tantrum. "Gin! Why did you do it? WHY? WHY?" The tears she was holding back started to pour and pour and pour. "How could you? I believed in you! I even asked her to." Her heart was twisting inside her. "WHY? It was so cruel."

"Hey! Get a hold of yourself! You're blabbering!" He stood and held her by the shoulders.

"How could you?" She screamed again. "How could you?"

His face blanched as he stared into her eyes. "What did I do? Tell me! Damn it!" The urgency of his tone made her stop.

"You… You don't remember, do you, Gin?"

"Tell me," he pleaded, his face crumpling as he shook his head. "What did I do?"

Stepping away from him, she started to tell him what it was, while avoiding eye contact. She was still angry with him, that he was capable of such dreadfulness. But she was a unwittingly comforted by the thought that he was not himself at that time. Didn't Gin remember hurting Sacchan like that? He did it so many times in the past, when he rejected her advances but not quite as brutal as this one.

He was berserk at Iga, when they tracked her after Zura's death. That was one horror comparable to this one.

Maybe he really did hate Sacchan until now. Kagura was disappointed with Gin and herself. She had been wrong about him.

Because of her insistence, Sacchan is now injured. The image of her mangled arm and bloody, tearful face made Kagura nauseous. She ran outside and vomited on the ground. She did not turn around when Gin walked up behind her.

"Kagura," he addressed her with uncertainty, "I can't remember anything…" he also vomited beside her. They spent a few minutes barfing next to each other.

"Why are you puking when you have nothing to puke?" Kagura screeched at him.

"I feel terrible… unbelievable… maybe I'm really dead."

She kicked him. "Bastard. You're alive. This isn't some Japanese drama where you get some selective amnesia and then everything turns out to be a dream at the end."

"Kagura. I don't-" He ran his hands through his hair and his face, looking lost. "Where are they? We should find them."

"No, Gin, we musn't."

"I'm awake now, I know what I'm doing."

"You've already done enough damage." Kagura was unsure of what Gin would be triggered of when he sees Sacchan. "Let's leave Shinpachi to it. He can handle it, yes."

"I want to see her. Maybe I can fix this."

"Stop it, Gin. You might make things worse, hmm." Her stomach grumbled. "Let's eat. Surely our stomachs are emptied by now."

He nodded and followed her back inside. He was silent, too silent, as they prepared the food and ate. An aura of impatience was emanating from him. Kagura ignored his stares. She knew that he was trying to pester her into helping him find Sacchan and Shinpachi.

She was sure that they were at the cave where Sacchan would often hide. There was no way that she was going to let Gin know. He was a hazard to Sacchan. He might even kill her.

Kagura slammed the plate in front of him and tossed him some sticks carelessly. She still resented him for his actions, whether intentional or not.

What made him do it?

"I know you hate me," Gin said. "But I want you to think of this…" He set down his bowl and looked at her straight in the eye. "Back in Yoshiwara, when you were fighting Abuto… You transformed into your Yato self, didn't you?"

Kagura, taken-aback, did not respond.

"Do you even remember anything from that time?"

She sneered at him. "You're not even a Yato. Are you trying to make up excuses for your behavior?"

He sighed in exasperation. "Kagura."

"I get it! I get it!" She stood up, sick of his reasoning. "You weren't yourself. Fine."

"Can we go look for them now?"

"Still no."

Gin pressed his lips together and stood. "Stay here, then. I'm going to find them by myself."

"Hey! You can't!"

"Watch me, Kagura." He left the place and she could do nothing but follow him.

She could have knocked him unconscious again but she wanted to make sure that Sacchan was okay. A part of her knew that it was inevitable that Sacchan and Gin would have a long overdue confrontation.

They all needed each other in this war.

 _ **Author's end note:**_ _I am so grateful for your inputs! Many many thanks and love! To_ _ **Marquise de Nile**_ _\- You're right. And she will find it difficult (close to impossible) to open up to him._ _ **mehr05**_ _\- It might get worse from here. Thanks for your kind words!_ _ **Freya**_ _\- Dominant!Gin has a dark side too..._


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